Category: Humor

Ringwood Review

Woke up at 5:30 am and met some friends at Ringwood bright and early on Sunday. I think that last time I was at Ringwood was a MTB Festival back around 2018, so it’s been awhile. In one word – Awesome. But here’s a longer review.

Early that morning the rocks were slippery, so we decided to stay away from Skylands and Warm Puppy Rock Trails. We deemed it too risky for our comfort level. Speaking of comfort. Smack dab in the middle of Ringwood is a huge botanical garden with greenhouses that smell really good. The place smells like a flower shop and Easter Sunday. I have no idea what is is growing there, but whatever they are growing, it seemed to keep the mosquitos and gnats away. So whoever set that up, just wanna say good job to you! Back to the word “comfort” again, right next to the Botanical greenhouses there is a small building that has a sign that reads “Comfort Station”. Coming from a guy who rides Stephens a lot, this building seemed out of place so close to a mountain bike trail, but I gotta say I could get used that cushy life. This Comfort Station has CLEAN bathrooms with running water (cold and hot), a vending machine with food and beverages, and get this … a payphone with a dial tone that works!!! There is even a lobby with chairs to sit on.  I was halfway expecting Alfred, Benson or Lurch to serve us hand towels, breath mints and lunch. If this place had a concierge it would almost be on par with the Ritz Carlton, but relative to what I’m used to, this is really a huge step up from the facilities at Stephens which happen to be zero.

In addition to the Easter Sunday fragrance that repels mosquitos, I’d like to give a special shoutout to whoever was shooting at the Thunder Dome Skeet Range. The percussive sound from the constant shotgun fire, works wonders to keep the skeeters and gnats away, which is why this is called a “skeet” range. What I love about Ringwood is that they hit the insects from all angles. If I was a mosquito, the smell from the botanical garden would keep me away, but with the additional layer of protection from the the shotgun range, I’d be too scared to procreate thousands of baby mosquitoes.

If you want to mountain bike ride through an outdoor museum, or ride through a place that’s several dimensions better than Hayden Planetarium 3D Space Theater (because it hits you in more dimensions than just 3D) than you need to ride Ringwood. It delivers beautiful sights, intense sounds, mysterious smells, pleasant comfort and magical downhills. All you have to do is show up and pedal!

 

 

 

 

Paparazzi Follow Me

The moment I stepped out of my car at Kinney Road, we were swarmed by tens of thousands of mosquitos, gnats and other assorted flying insects. They followed me and my entourage around the lake, over the mountain, through the woods, over brooks. Every rock garden, every jump, every rock roll – they were there. They followed our every pedal stroke for the entire 13 mile journey.  I never felt so loved in my life. I don’t want to disappoint these die-hard fans. I’ll be back soon.

One of my friends said “Charlie your entire head is surrounded by a cloud of gnats.” I turned around and looked at him, and his head was also surrounded by a black cloud. So I just busted out laughing!!! We both looked like that Pig-Pen character in Charlie Brown. Then he said, “I can’t see in front of me. My eyes are blurry. I think I need glasses.” I’m like, Dude your eyes are fine. It’s the cloud of fans that’s following you around, obscuring your vision. Their love is so unyielding, they only want you to see them and nothing else. That’s why they say, Love is blind. Their love is so undying, relentless, that nothing could hold them back from their heart’s desire.

Inhaling them is inevitable. On the one hand I want to put a screen mesh over my face. On the other hand, it’s a free electrolyte snack!

The Raspberries Taste Like Raspberries

Did trail work at Stephens on Saturday. Every time I do TM, it’s always oddly mentally satisfying and physically invigorating. Then on Sunday I rode at Lew Mo and found acres and acres of tasty fresh raspberries. It’s like the wallpaper in Willy Wonka’s factory!

I should mention to anyone reading this, to get to the field of raspberries, you have to hike 13 miles up a steep trail that is lined on either side with spikes that have impaled the skulls of trespassers. If you get past that, then you need to climb up a 200 foot cliff and then rappel down the other side, cross a moat that is guarded by angry bears and mountain lions. Pick at your own risk!

When I am confronted by such dangers in the vicinity of Lewis Morris and Jockey Hollow, I ask myself, “What would Temperance Wick do!”

Even the rocks were sweating

Sterling. There was so much humidity, that even the rocks were sweating. Awesome ride though!!

Also, to anyone reading this, Do NOT ride at Sterling! It is situated on top of an active volcano and filled with packs of wild rabid wolves, and we lose at least one mountain biker every day from the hidden mine fields. As I write this, I can hear the screams of horror coming back to haunt me. It’s a really sad place and I highly recommend staying as far away as possible. You are better off riding your bicycle to somewhere more habitable and welcoming like Antarctica or the Sahara Desert.  😉

 

A wildcat who will follow you…

Rode 13.5 miles, 1400+ feet of elevation climbing at Wildcat Ridge today. According to a very old legend, it is named Wildcat Ridge because there is a wildcat who will follow you. You’ll never see this cat, but it will mock and whisper “I pity the fool who came here looking for flow trails!” That same cat has a sidekick with a Don Rickles-like personality who will taunt, “Why don’t you take up a hobby that you are more physically suited for, like checkers or hopscotch?”
I’ll keep coming back though. I always do ;

I wonder if we can distract the wildcats. Cats like lasers and scratching posts.

Air Conditioned Bicycles

Is there such thing as air conditioned bicycles? Asking for a friend.

Actually, I’m not really asking. Just whining about the heat and looking for others to commiserate. LOL.

Taking an honest assessment of myself. If I want to ride this summer, I’m gonna have to wake up at 5 am. The past couple of months, I rode when it was above 90 and as high as 93. It seems that 93 is my limit. After that, it’s just not enjoyable for me.